Listening to Teenagers

by Parnell Donahue, M.D., author of Gold Medal Parenting:
Raising Teenagers to Be the Absolute Best They Can Be

There’s little argument that in the long run most kids do listen to their parents, but “most” implies that some do not. How do we get kids to listen? What can we do to assure that our prodigies are the ones who listen, hear, understand, and follow? Many books have been written on listening, and business and leadership seminars have been held on “active listening,” but the secret to get your children, your employees, or your students to listen is simple: listen to them.

It has often been said that the reason God gave us two ears and only one mouth is because he wanted us to listen twice as much as we talk. Perhaps he should have given parents three or four ears. Kids learn to listen by mimicking their parents.

Good listening starts at the dinner table before kids are in grade school; by the time they begin, they are anxious to tell of their day. As they tell their stories, listen to them, look them in the eye, turn the TV off, and don’t correct every grammatical mistake. Don’t interrupt, but do ask follow-up questions which show you did listen and are interested. Questions might also lead them on to a lesson they may have learned that day, either in their classroom, or from their socializing during play. They may have drawn a conclusion from their experience different from one you might draw. It’s ok for you to tell them what you think about the situation they have described; then ask how come they see things differently. They don’t have to think exactly like you do; allow room for them to develop and express their own ideas. While getting them to talk you show them how to listen and how to think.

Perhaps the most important rule in talking with children is to speak in a quiet voice, often so quiet they will have to strain to hear you. As the proverb says, “A soft voice turns away wrath, but a harsh one stirs up anger.” Raise your voice and they will tune you out; shout and they will shout back the first thing that comes to mind without thinking. If you want to be heard, speak softly!

When your grade schoolers become teens, expect that they will become less vocal with you about what is going on in their lives; they will need more time to think and often this thinking is best accomplished by talking with other teens. Respect that! But continue to have dinner with them and take that time to talk and listen to what they have to say. The habit of dinner conversation established in early childhood is hard to break. Read more about the family dinner in Chapter 11. Be especially careful not to speak negatively about their friends. If there are things about their friends you don’t like, ask them to tell you where you are wrong in your evaluation, and then listen to their response.

It’s no surprise to parents to hear that teens like to argue. It is an important part of growing up as it helps them understand what they believe, clarifies the reasoning process and teaches them how to present a case for change; it may even teach them how to negotiate. So important is it, that I believe parents should seek out topics to argue about with their teens - other than the teen’s behavior, appearance, friends, or life. These topics should be personally neutral but important; capital punishment, foreign trade, the cause of high gasoline prices, or other such topics over which neither parent nor teen have control or the ability at this time in their lives to influence, can provide a passion for argument. When my sons were in high school we argued for years about nuclear energy, and resource conservation. I have always been a conservationist, as were my kids, but they were dismayed that I thought the two could not co-exist. They felt it was my “lack of knowledge” which led me to oppose nuclear power so they spent much time and energy trying to educate me. We all felt passionate about the issue and yet we knew there was little any of us could do to change the way things were. Today, almost 30 years later, we have all softened a bit and moved a little closer to each others opinion, yet they still call me a tree hugger and we still argue the point. I learned a great deal about debate from my son, Brian, who was on the high school debate team, and believe me, debate made him a tough opponent. Debate is a very valuable activity for high school students; one which should be stressed in the high school curriculum.

Debate is organized, structured, argument; but argument is not quarreling, shouting, or wrangling. That type of behavior must not be condoned or tolerated. Parents and teens should agree before any argument starts that the parent has a right to stop the argument at any time and there will be a punishment for trying to continue the argument after the parent has called a halt.

Parents frequently tell me that they are tired of arguing, quarreling and wrangling with their kids; so I ask them why don’t they just stop! Arguing, wrangling or quarreling takes two people; kids cannot argue unless someone argues with them. So a parent needs only to stop reacting to the child by not talking, not listening and not hearing, and impose the punishment. Yes, let him have the last word, because you as a parent are in control, and will dole out the punishment. When a parent ends an argument in this fashion, any further attempt at discussion will result in the punishment which increases in severity with every attempt to continue. Kids quickly learn that parents mean business, and unpleasant arguments soon are a thing of the past. It’s a very simple matter which always works!

You’ll be surprised how fun, educational, and beneficial a good, well managed, quiet argument can be. Your kids will hear, realize, and understand what you believe and value, and you will comprehend and appreciate their developing minds and best of all, the discussion will keep your kids talking and listening.