Curfews for Teenagers

by Parnell Donahue, M.D., author of Gold Medal Parenting:
Raising Teenagers to Be the Absolute Best They Can Be

Curfew, according to Webster comes from the old French and actually means “…to cover fires and retire.” Since most of us do not live in caves with a fire at the entry and very few of us actually have a fire in our house, with the possible exception of the fireplaces, none of us really need to cover the fire before we retire. So it seems to me that teen curfew is a euphemism for bed-time, and the real question is, “What time should teens go to bed?”

There was an article in the local newspaper profiling community high school athletes in a question and answer format. When asked how much sleep he required a senior baseball and football player responded “nine.” The next athlete needed zero. I assume the later was trying to be funny while the first hit the nail right on the head; teens generally need nine hours of sleep each night. They are still growing, at least most of them are, and those who no longer note an increase in height are putting on muscle. And it is during sleep that the body makes growth hormone and sex hormones both necessary for growth and muscle development.

These hormones are produced in abundance in the early morning, just before awaking, are metabolized during the day, reach a low level in the evening, and stay low until beginning a new cycle the next morning. This physiological cycle discredits the “raging-hormone” theory often cited for explaining teen’s misbehavior, particularly their often overstated sexual behavior. Nevertheless, these misbehaviors occur most often in the evening or night, when hormones are at their lowest, and teens ideally should be home and in bed by themselves. But, that is a subject for a different article.

Additionally, it is during sleep that the brain tries to organize what you experienced and learned that day. I consider it like having a fairy come in while I’m sleeping, clean off my brain-desk, and file all my papers (ideas, thoughts, and experiences) in places where I can find them in the morning and again next year. Sleep is important for learning as well as for growing. That’s why teen curfew (regular bed-time) is so important.

In my utopia fantasy a teen would come home from school, do his chores, have dinner with his family, and after helping in the kitchen, do homework, talk with a friend on the phone, play a game or have a conversation with his parents and sibs, and go to bed nine hours before time to rise. Unfortunately that seldom happens, although your teen would say fortunately that never happens.

Most of our kids are like us, too busy to take time for a relaxing evening. One night a week there is a game, another play practice, another religious ed., still another band practice and on top of all that many of our teens have jobs. I like teens to be employed, but I think that, except in rare and most unusual circumstances, work should be limited to weekends and vacation time. Rare is the teenager who actually needs a car, so paying for a car is seldom a good enough reason to work. Over the years I have had many teens tell me they need to work to pay for their car, which they unashamedly tell me they need to get to work. This circuitous reasoning doesn’t make sense to me, and I have yet to see much good come to teens from having cars.

Having said all that, I would conclude that an established bed-time, call it a teen curfew if you like, may be needed to assure a teenager gets nine hours of sleep and avoids the kinds of trouble which often occur at night. Discuss sleep needs with your teen and establish, with him, a bedtime. Then deviate from it only when your teen needs to go out.

Talk with your teen before giving permission to leave the house; find out where he wants to go, and why he needs to go. Never approve of “hanging-out” with friends at the mall or any place without a pre-stated purpose. If you think he should go, agree on a time to be home. Generally speaking, that would be the time the event was over plus the number of minutes it takes to get home. Then agree on what the consequences are for being out past curfew. If he is late, be sure to enforce the consequence without any discussion, and without an opportunity for a “second chance.” Accept no excuses!

Kids, like parents, should be home unless there is an excellent reason to be somewhere else. Teens, again, like their parents, need their sleep and a teen curfew is one way of assuring it. Just make sure it is event specific, and not a carte blanche reason for being out.